Hello out there. I think I always start off with “it’s been a while since I last shared”. This is in itself the first apparent paradox these days. On the one hand, it seems like my attention to this stuff has dwindled to very little online time spent. On the other hand, the issue is daily on my mind as an endless battle that I fight. It never seems to fade. Of course it doesn’t help that I feed it constantly either.
That’s it’s own contradiction (usually that’s what we mean by paradox anyway, right?)- that I still “fight” cd stuff, but daily am fueling my sexual pleasure sensors- and all the more with ample video snippet content on any/every social media outlet- and a pretty smart AI that’s got my fetish figured out nicely. I don’t ever want to be a crossdresser in life, other than as a wild unrealistic wet dream.
It’s actually impressive that machine learning bots have learned to feed me “hetero-normative” fetish content as I would paradoxically reject anything cd. Instead, I often can see exactly what I would be looking for anymore, without the need to internalize or pull things into my own self in order to idealize what I might have wanted to imagine/see- it’s all created content daily now. Which paradoxically helps!
As time has gone on, I have found myself in this strange conflict between what could be considered a draining effort to grow out of this mess and a more general permissiveness to my feelings, desires, and urges. I have stopped seeing my own “promiscuity” as such an inviolable transgression and more of a forgivable release in order to survive in so many other ways in terms of sanity and adaptation to life!
So do I just give in to dressing up? Nope. I have truly come around to where I think I’m freaking disgustingly grossly male (in the sense of fat, hairy, old, and very not-sexy). I know it’s pretty sad that I every thought of myself with more imagination than that. But even the possibilities and openings I’ve had lately haven’t led to more than just masturbation and thought since reality would just be unfulfilling.
But the thought is still paradoxically a pull toward the ultimate feminine ideal- like the content I see seems like an obsession a woman might have who’s lost in the idolization of her own beauty and sexual appeal- while being a very materialistic/objectivization type male embodiment of just lusting/drooling over that very content. I can be in extasy touching my wife’ s lace and also writhe like a crude beast.
In many ways, anyone who has followed me might note the paradox that the longer I have fought, the weaker and more permissive my stance has become. My repentance and direction have become less severe or sincere, and this has worn me out. The paradox is that more fighting has led to greater weakness, not greater strength. Unless you see living with paradox as a strength.
But alas, the greatest paradox is that- all things given above, I have thought and obsessed and given in to crossdressing less than ever in my life over the last year. I lived apart from my wife and alone (like a 3 month business trip!) and did not once purchase or wear girl’s stuff. I am now the “stay at home dad” and have access to all my wife’s stuff all day with impunity- and temptation over the role- nothing (yet)!
And despite how much it might sound- I am even learning to unravel the drive in general so that I can say “no” to impulses better. But -paradoxically- I can’t really do that until I just get honest about my state of being- I want it more than I want life itself (for now). I’m learning why that is, and I’m re-learning why life (especially eternal life with Christ!!) is better and worthy of my affection beyond it all.
So I guess you can both pray for me and celebrate with me. You can both correct me and also join me in facing the fact that I am overwhelmed by the demon(s) of earthly lust, pleasure, and ease. There’s no easy out, but at the same time it can all be so easy as to insist (as I still do) that it’s all wrong. Life is all wrong. The world is all wrong. And yet, I’d genuinely say I’m doing “alright” if someone asked…
Vested Interest 