Welcome!

Feel free to read through my confession (links on the righthand side).  If I find there is interest in this site, I will regularly blog (link on the menu part up top).  Otherwise, it simply stands as a testament and case study for the issue.  Thanks for your discretion and civility in your interactions here.  It is a difficult thing to discuss.  Please feel welcomed in leaving a comment here.  I do not require you to fill out the email or user name sections below, so it can remain completely anonymous who you are (I realize the need for this, believe me).  If you are interested in more discussion with me, see the “private discussion” page (menu bar above).

Advertisements

63 Responses to Welcome!

  1. Thorin says:

    Hello, I am a Christian pastor who struggles with this issue. But as time passes I’m putting more and more time in between failures.
    I’ve been searching for fellow brothers to fight this with. I have accountability partners in real life, but I long for people to vent to and support who are struggling with my same issue.

    I just started reading your posts, and will read them more as I have time. Keep up the good fight. I’ll pray for you right now, and we’ll talk more later

    Thorin

    • ikthys says:

      So glad that you found me! Your partnership in this journey will be a delight! I look forward to all that you add. It is so true that there is nothing like sharing with someone who “gets” it.

    • ruben says:

      I have the same problem as a christian.
      Where can we talk about this?

      • ikthys says:

        Welcome! I would LOVE to talk. Should I send you an email? Feel free to comment on any post or page here. Are you single or married? Are you a leader in the church? This battle has been long and arduous, and I pray God would fill you with wisdom and strength to continue the battle for purity.

    • paul says:

      i to deal with this and am looking for a way to freedom. I’ve fought with this for a lifetime and now i’m just tired I could use the Godly counsel

  2. I’ve seen Thorin’s comments on some other blogs, ikthys, and he has some great insights. I didn’t know he was a pastor, though! That must make for even more of an internal struggle than I deal with.

    I too have always hated that there is one part of my life I can’t bring up with my prayer partners, but I know from their reactions to news about other gender issues that they will simply never understand in this lifetime. These are folks who lump any deviance from social and sexual norms all in one category as a horrific perversion. Gay, crossdresser, child molester, flasher… whatever, they’re all alike to me. I can just imagine the outcry if my secret had come out when I was in charge of the preschool nursery. “That PERVERT has been near my child! I’m suing him, I’m suing the church, and I’m suing the Southern Baptist Convention!”

    Sigh. Honestly, Mrs. Smith, the only attention I ever gave your daughter beyond giving her milk and cookies was to admire her dress and wish I had one like it.

    Last night at Bible study we hit on I Cor 14 and of course got into an uproar over the “keep silent” passage. One thing led to another and at one point the pastor’s wife was pointing out that at other times in history men wore skirts. The pastor responded, to much laughter, that “Yes, but they weren’t really skirts, they were robes”. Oh, the temptation to speak out… as it happens, I was pleasantly surprised at the general consensus that it’s hypocritical to selectively pick and choose which rules apply to us and which don’t. Why is it OK for women to wear pants and speak in church but we still consider other rules sacrosanct? So we all agreed that everybody does this to some extent and we can’t judge those who draw the line at a different place than we do.

    My gut instinct is that the pastor would, at least on a theological level, not have a problem; he shares my viewpoint that all we really need to worry about is what separates us from God (the greatest commandment) and prevents us from loving others (the second one). But it’s one thing to know it in your head and another to practice it in your heart. There are any number of people, as groups or individuals, I know I should love and forgive and so forth but I can’t get control over the hostility and/or fear I have of those people.

    So I leave all of these issues between me and God. To bring them out in the open would be to tear my beloved church family apart with disagreement and gossip… and I wasn’t kidding about the potential for lawsuits from the more extreme reactions. I wish life had a “do-over” button so I could try it once and if I didn’t like the results undo it and try again!

    • ikthys says:

      For my part, I have and have had friends in my life whom I know I could trust this to, but who just aren’t really in my life enough to make sharing it worth it, especially when I am (so far) able to maintain “sobriety” without any more accountability than my wife, whom I promised I’d tell if I ever did anything. As far as sharing nitty gritty feelings, etc. that’s why I blog, though it does seem to be getting easier to communicate without totally offending or grossing out my wife. It takes a ton of sensitivitty to her feelings, through which I’ve learned an incredible amount about this issue in ways I don’t think I otherwise would ever have been able to. To the scriptures, I don’t think it is about “picking and choosing” but about embracing all of it through proper contextual interpretation of each verse. I do believe that even the so-called private sphere falls under the “love others” command as I am also an “other”. And if love means leading someone to the best and most healthy thing, it puts the question of crossdressing on the hot seat of theological morality. God help us as we bring it all to Him for perfection.

      • Jan says:

        At least you are sensitive to your wife, and try to not make her feel like less than. My husband “discovered” he was a cross-dresser while continuing an affair with another for a year and a half. I’m doing my best to forgive and move past it. However, he is still in continual contact with her. I think what hurts the most isn’t that he shared himself willingly with her, but everything else, and has no remorse for what he had done.

        • ikthys says:

          Jan, I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I will pray for your and your husband. I know the terrible lure of this desire (as well as the horrible lust that draws men to affairs). I wish I could promise he’ll come around. He may not. But I don’t know him or your family. I hope my site offers you at least a small amount of solace as you try to understand this strange pursuit (crossdressing that is). If you have any questions or comments from your unique perspective, feel free to share them. Again, I’m very sorry for this mess.

      • murf26 says:

        When I told my wife(I call it ‘brutal honesty), she said that it bothered her that she thought I did it to attract other men. I have always done this in privacy and not to attract men. I think that’s the basic mindset for a lot of folks. I started going to counseling, talked to my pastors and a few choice friends about it. I am trying to repress the urge so my marriage will stay intact…BUT IT IS HARD TO DO!!! God and I talk about it and He is okay with it. My earthly ties have made it very difficult to continue being someone else I’m not.

        • ikthys says:

          My wife had similar fears, to be sure. I think it is quite natural for people to make the association between dressing as the opposite gender and having the desires of the opposite gender (i.e. women wanting men). It is true that some crossdressers do indeed have this feeling (wanting to have interactions with men), and even true that some crossdressers who don’t have it at first develop it after a progression of devoting their life to pursuing crossdressing interests unhindered by their “earthly ties”. That’s not to say all do. Certainly not. But it is understandable. It has taken 5 years for me to try to communicate the root(s) of my issues to my wife. Heck it’s even hard for me to understand it myself, let alone impart/explain that to someone else. There just seems to be no single bottom line (though from time to time, and often, sexual gratification seems to be beneath whatever form the rest of the issues takes), and I wouldn’t dare suggest there is one universal bottom line for all crossdressers, so personal and interpersonal communication and reflection is certainly necessary. To anyone looking to overcome this desire, I’d recommend a lot of “brutally honest” self reflection about what makes us want this. I’d recommend seeking personal resolve, rather than just external duty. I’d recommend reading blogs like those on the right of my page that guide people like us in truth. I’d recommend allowing our significant others’ feelings and perceptions to be what they are and to teach us about ourselves. It has brought me a long long way (five years seems awfully long sometimes). Glad to hear from you!

          • Mike Murphy says:

            Thanks for your kind words and understanding. Actually, the CD bug has hit me in the last day or so. Thinking about getting some ballet slippers that I can easily hide. But I told my wife all this was over but it is creeping back in. Maybe I should just accept the CD thing as who I really am and not try to do away with it.

            • ikthys says:

              My personal opinion is that you should find your way to freedom from CD rather than giving into it. It all seems like a dead-end mistake to waste one’s life on. More importantly, no matter what you do, please, please, please do not violate your wife’s trust. Tell her what you are going to do and face the consequences, but don’t hide it. You owe it to her to let her know what’s happening. It’s amazing how we’ll let this kind of stuff trump our most sacred relationships- spouse, even God (for those of us who attempt to maintain such a relationship). I cannot see how crossdressing can be so essential a thing as to let it take that place. Have you checked out some of the other blogs I recommend here?

              • Mike Murphy says:

                You're soooo right. I have gone through alot to get where I am now. Thanks for reminding me. If it's okay with you, I may check in with you every now and then when I am feeling weak and need encouragement. God bless you !!

                • ikthys says:

                  Of course it’s ok. In fact, i’m part of a prayer/support chain of guys who do just that all the time. The guys who heads it up is the same guy who runs healingcd.wordpress.com (see “Healing from Crossdressing” link on the right of my site under “Fellow Contenders”. Thorin and the rest of the guys have been a HUGE reason I’ve made it this far.

  3. Thorin says:

    Thanks for the comments Ralph. I’d like to encourage you both that I have told 4 other men in my life besides my wife, and they all reacted well with grace. It’s about understanding. People fear and are harsh towards things they don’t understand. But then all of a sudden, its you, their friend, and they know you and love you, so they try to understand give you time to explain it.
    Of course this doesn’t guarantee everyone will react that way, but chances are they struggle with crap too, and if you tell what you struggle with, they will tell too. 3 of the guys then confessed to me they struggled with pornography, and 2 of those also struggled with watching some homosexual pornography (women together). And through that time our relationships were built up, and we grew stronger and supported each other. I told all of these 4 on separate occassions.

    As to interpreting the Bible, as I read forum posts everywhere online and talk to Christians in churches, it seems some of the biggest misunderstandings about the Bible are that we like to pick and choose what we follow. That makes me just cringe with sadness. And if pastors think that is what we are supposed to do that just makes me really cringe. We are short on trained pastors these days who have been taught at seminary principles about how to interpret the Bible correctly. I’m just so sad about how badly the church has been educated about the Bible these days. I can’t go in and give a humongous lecture about it right here, but a couple comments.

    All of the Bible is God’s word for us, all of it, so we have to apply all of it to our lives in different ways. But different parts of it need to be interpreted differently, some is Old Testament law, some poetry, some historical narrative, some letters, some prophecy, etc. All interpreted in different ways just as we read letters and newspapers differently today.

    Secondly, Every passage applies to our lives, in principle, but the cultural applications will be different. In Paul’s time, women might have needed to wear head coverings in one specific church so that they wouldn’t be disrupting and distracting by going against cultural norms of dress. The principle stays the same, we shouldn’t disrupt church either. But our cultural application could almost be the opposite. That we would disrupt church if we did wear head coverings.

    Third, interpret scripture with scripture, it all fits together, can’t disagree.

    Fourth, we really need to understand the OT Law. maybe I’ll write up something more thought out and official someday about Deut 22:5. But we don’t just pick and choose what laws to follow in the OT. There are different types of laws in the OT. Moral, civil, and ceremonial.
    Jesus has fulfilled all the moral laws for us by living a perfect sinless life. Jesus has fulfilled all the civil laws of Israel perfectly, but now expanded God’s people to not just be Israel but to be people from all nations. And Jesus has fulfilled the ceremonial sacrificial laws by being the sacrifice for us. So since we are of all nations, we don’t follow the civil laws anymore. Since Jesus died for us, we don’t do the sacrificial laws anymore. But Jesus never says to stop doing the moral laws. He upholds them and tells us to do them. Yes he lived the moral laws for us, and he gives us his righteousness. But we still obey the moral law, not to earn our salvation, but out of gratitude.

    So the real question becomes, is Deut. 22:5 a moral law or a civil law? Obviously most crossdressers would argue its a civil law if they even bothered to think about the laws in this way. But I would argue it is a moral law, God says its an abomination, not something he would say about a civil law. So I think it stands for us today.

  4. Just to clarify, Thorin, I’m not saying my pastor suggests we *should* pick and choose the laws to preserve out of the Bible; he’s saying that’s what we *do* and it’s wrong, even while admitting he does the same thing.

    I have written extensively on Deuteronomy 22:5 on my own and other blogs, so I won’t repeat that all here — the short version is that I do believe God meant it and doesn’t change His mind, and while I would dearly love to be rid of that particular weakness I am grateful that until and unless that happens, I am forgiven this sin — which is no more or less offensive a sin than when I drink to excess (not so much any more) or gossip or give in to pride (probably my biggest problem) or fail to demonstrate my love for my neighbor in tangible ways (i.e., “I’ll pray for you” vs. “Here, take my cloak”).

  5. Thorin says:

    Ralph, glad we are on the same page about the Deuteronomy passage. Here is something to be careful about though.

    While it is true that all of us sin in many ways, we are still forgiven through Christ. We don’t lose our salvation each time we sin. But, Jesus also says we know a tree by its fruit. So what does a true Christian life look like? The Bible is clear that a true Christian life doesn’t look sinless. But I think the key is that we are slowly growing in our holiness, in our sanctification, sinning less, loving God more, but still sinning. And that sanctification is coupled most importantly with a fighting against sin, and repentance and confession whenever we fail.

    I am not perfect in my walk with the Lord. And on this issue I still struggle and fail periodically. I think I am perfectly capable of never doing this sin again, even though I will never become sinless until Jesus makes me new. But even though I fight and struggle and don’t do as well as I could, I am still forgiven.

    The problem I see is that if someone decides they will willfully continue to sin thinking they can just rest on Jesus’ forgiveness. Obviously the line is fuzzy on whether someone is truly doing this, or just not fighting as hard as they could. But a true Christian does not willfully keep on sinning in a specific sin without repentance. That is where I think we know a tree by its fruits.

    I don’t know where you are at with the crossdressing issue. If you are like me and you fail periodically but you always repent and confess and resolute yourself to never fail again I think we are on fairly good ground. Though I think we still must do what we need to get out of that cycle and finally beat it once and for all. We can’t get rid of SIN completely in our lives, and make our hearts and motivations perfect, but we certainly have the ability by the power of the Holy Spirit to completely rid certain specific sins from our lives, and that is what we should strive for. But if you know that crossdressing is a sin, and you willfully purposely keep doing it all the time, with no repentance, with no effort to resist, that is extremely shaky ground. King David was a man after God’s own heart, not because he was perfect, but because he repented and kept fighting for holiness. Where are you at Ralph?

    I know I will struggle with pride the rest of my life. But as soon as I start feeling like I won’t bother to fight against pride and repent of it, then I have to start wondering if I have truly accepted what Jesus did for me, and am really trying to live for him out of gratitude, or if I am still living in my sins for myself.

  6. ikthys says:

    I think this thread is getting too far along in the tangents of specifically Christian theological issues. While I appreciate the role that God plays in this matter, I hope that this site can retain a religiously neutral position while we discuss the specific issues of crossdressing in our lives and not the matter of sin and salvation itself as seen by a particular form of Christianity. In my opinion, in a forum like this, and with this issue in particular, such an inclusion does little more than add a rigidity that hinders people from open and honest self-examination of the matter. More important than whether crossdressing is a sin or not are the quesitons “what about it could we understand as wrong?”, “why do we want it?”, “how can we live out a perfectly healthy gender expression?”, etc. I may blog from time to time with a religious tone (I am in fact a devout Christian, after all), and where it is so invited I would find it appropriate to discuss such matters. But, in general, I find them to be detracting from the real purpose of this site. Thanks for your care and understanding on this point.

  7. Thorin says:

    I understand. I will be more careful. I do think that people commenting can express their religious opinions, in how they relate to the crossdressing issue, without the site itself losing its neutrality on the religious issues. Part of speaking my opinion, is speaking it from the standpoint of my faith, my life.

    But I will stop getting into the detailed theological / doctrinal / biblical issues, and will try to be less preachy 🙂 I will respect your wishes.

    • ikthys says:

      You’re awesome Thorin! I don’t mean to exlude all religious language by any means, just wanted to head off a tangent into the world of soteriology, etc. (which I do love to discuss very much, and which does apply here as well, but I think you understand my concerns). I am extremely grateful to have your perspective added to our discussions and very encouraged to wrestle side by side with you in this.

  8. Thorin says:

    If there are any theological things you want to discuss that you don’t want to do on the blog, we could always email back and forth. One thing I could email you is the list of Bible verses I use to help me fight and think through this whole crossdressing issue.

    • Doug says:

      Hello to All,
      I have found this discussion very interesting and upon seeing that Thorin was a pastor, my first thought was “I hope he has a blog.” Unfortunately I could find no link which was disappointing for in reading his comment that he was searching likeminded souls to communicate with, I did not want to use IKTHYS’s blog space to carry on a discussion.

      In any case it is my wish that Thorin will at some point in the future, find time in no doubt busy schedule, to gives us his personal insights and experiences regarding this most sensitive of issues. I believe it would provide us all with some valuable insight into his thoughts both as a pastor and a male who is searching for answers as we are.

    • ikthys says:

      I plan on publishing a post to the theological aspect soon 🙂 I agree that Thorin’s thoughts and reflections are invaluable to us all and share the hope that he might find the time to blog as well!

  9. Thorin says:

    Thank you for the wonderful encouragement. Your idea of a blog does sound good, I may just do that, if I find some time. It would be great if I could say I haven’t failed in a long time before starting such a blog.

    Although I am a pastor, I am still as sinful as all of us. And it heavily saddens me to report that I failed this morning. After a wonderful day yesterday, including a time of cuddling with my wife, this really just makes me mad. I didn’t plan on failing but was on the internet and I allowed myself some leeway, and things just kept going down the wrong path. If you don’t guard yourself, you don’t know where you will end up.

    Part of what causes my failures a lot is my dreams. After that wonderful day, I went to sleep only thinking pleasant thoughts about me and my wife and no crossdressing thoughts, not even thoughts I was supressing. And then I had a crossdressing dream out of nowhere, and its the kind of dream that involves me and my wife and everything that is pure and good and loving, except for the added crossdressing bit. So then I wake up, and I feel as if I’m screwed over for the rest of the day.

    I would say 90% of my failures in the last year are in a direct response to some dream I had the previous night. I don’t choose to have these dreams, I don’t daydream about anything during the day that I can imagine would cause these dreams. Probably there is no way to make them go away, not that I know of, but if you have ideas there that would help.

    But any suggestions as to what to do when I do have one? How do I wake up and disentangle the dream, process what was good in it, and what was bad, so I don’t end up rationalizing sin?

    I wish I could say that since I have good theological thoughts about the subject, that I’ve knocked this sin out of my life, but honestly, I can’t, as this failure today proves. I still need help, and I still need to learn how to better fight this. Lord forgive me

    • ikthys says:

      I do have a post in the works about just that issue (dreams). I get them, too. And they are especially hard to kick, being the most vivid of fantasies! For now I just want to say thanks for sharing and know that, in my opinion, a man who is willing to think and speak critically about his own inner struggle and motivation on this topic is of immense value to us all regardless of what his actual behavior is like. It is certainly not an easy journey, nor is a surface moral code from any source(i.e. a simple “thou shalt not”) the ultimate answer, though it certainly is important to determine morality in all things in life, and good theology is key to such work.

      • Tom says:

        Hello Thorin (and Ikthys). I have just arrived at this site (and another, that brought me here https://mycdrecovery.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/not-alone/) and while I haven’t yet started down this path of recovery (I have tried and failed MULTIPLE times), being here is a clear signal of my intent to try again. I just wanted to quickly say something concerning dreams:
        It is helpful (for me) to remember that dreams are made by the brain while you sleep by constructing a patchwork of familiar images – sometimes things you’d seen that day, sometimes dredging-up old bits of memories – so if you’ve been ‘sober’ for a long time, but out of nowhere you have a crossdressing dream, just remember that your brain pulled from PAST experience. Neither is it premonitory nor are you to blame. Look on it as ‘ah yes, that is certainly true that used to be me’ and brush it aside. Heck, dreams (in my opinion) are oftentimes utterly meaningless! I once dreamt I had lobster claws instead of arms! I mean come on! Hahahah. Utter nonsense. So dismiss them as such and you’ll be safe!
        Best wishes to you both,
        Tom

        • ikthys says:

          Thanks Tom!
          By now, I have become more used to simply dismissing thoughts in this way rather than taking them all so profoundly to heart for my identity’s sake. I still see some opportunity in some dreams (since they show a sort of unpolished set of mental connections that are less processed by conscious thought or mental organization) to get a glimmer of insight into what connections I may have going on around various issues. I believe this can even lead to psycho-emotional breakthroughs with new avenues for changing cognitive habits and countering emotional imbalances. Please enjoy a look around and let me know if you have any questions. I welcome your comments and observations and look forward to our continued growth into healthy living as men.

  10. Thorin says:

    Any way you can make a recent comments box somewhere? otherwise I have to check them all to see if they are any updates to the conversations… Just a suggestion

  11. thorin25 says:

    Hello Ikthys, I started up a blog. I’ve basically done nothing on it so far. But here is the web address. http://healingcd.wordpress.com/

    I hope its okay that I have your blog listed under my links.

    Also, do I have your permission to copy portions of your posts (with telling people where its from, and quoting it)? Or linking to specific posts?

  12. dramaking says:

    I to have had my battles and yes one can stop doing this but not on your own. I have been clean and “sober” now for a few months through the help of Jesus Christ and if you want to know more I will be more than happy to discuss my journey. Let me know ok?
    Dramaking

    • ikthys says:

      What kind of community have you found that can/will support you in this? I never consider myself alone in the battle because I have my wife working through it all with me. I’m so glad to here from you, though! The more I hear of people like you (us), the more I am hopeful and encouraged! Keep fighting the good fight!

  13. Andrew says:

    Ikthys
    I am in a group at my church called Celebrate Recovery and I would recommend it highly. I t is a group that emphasises that we all suffer and struggle with life’s hurts, habits and hangups. it is a program that was started in California and if you go to http://www.celebraterecovery.org you can find out all kinds of information. I have also spent a couple years in SA and there is much help there as well. I really love CR though because their is no charge on stating that my “higher power” is indeed Jesus Christ. I have been well and truly blessed that I have a sponsor is also was a CD and though in my mind I understand that sin is sin it is such a joy to find a fellow traveler. Please continue to remain hopeful in that through Christ all things are possible.
    I think for me it was a matter of trust that I had problems with. You see I had a hard time trusting men in general and so I think I had a hard time trusting God, but when I started to get that is what I had to do, it has made each day much easier to fight the battle. I tell people that I am a crossdresser now openly in my meetings for 2 reasons. 1 is because the enemy wants us to stay silent and isolated and 2 because by bringing it out to the light it shows itself for what it is and that is a sin against God. Take out the “bad and wrong” labels that the enemy loves to use against us and break it down once for all. Is this the life that God calls us to? Is this the “best” that God wants for me? How many of us have rationalized this for years with the ideas of “this is who I am” but if I put the bright light of God’s love on this sin as with all sin can I honestly say that this is what God wants? for me? As his child? I have such a heart for our brothers who struggle with this now that I ache and long to see them released from a bondage many don’t even know they are in. The evil one wants to make me believe that I can’t make any difference in anyones life but I believe that I have a story that perhaps will resonate with another fellow traveler and might help them to see that overcoming this sin just as in any other requires much more than I can do on my own. I feel that many are afraid to show their face or to talk about crossdressing and God forbid that I admit what I have done as a crossdresser but once out in the light it loses all that power and shows itself for what it is. Idolatry, self-centeredness and pride masquerading as deception and in the end is an addiction as real as alcoholism. So, my friend, my name is Andrew, I am a strong believer in Jesus Christ and I have struggled with sex addiction in particular crossdressing! .

    • ikthys says:

      Welcome, Andrew!
      I am greatly encouraged to meet any “fellow traveller”. Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself and for sharing the resource that has helped you in this. I want to say for the sake of anyone else that may not know or embrace God, or who may but not through Jesus Christ specifically, that for the issue of crossdressing, the more general question of whether this is the best life for me, whether this is fully balanced and healthy loving life at all, is critical and of ultimate value regardless of its possible religious connection. When it comes to trying to “name” what is wrong with crossdressing, I think a complex approach is necessary, though I also think it leads us to simple conclusions about our own heart and mind. Let’s continue to share the light of truth and honest reflection in our hearts, and we will be lead to freedom and maturity!

  14. Sky says:

    Hello,

    I’d like to chat with either of you.

    I’ve got a real mess I’m going through that only those with similar challenges could understand or possibly assist.

    Thanks,
    Sky

    • ikthys says:

      Hey there- welcome! Are you looking for a private email convo? I never wanna send anything to someone’s email address unless they ask for it just in case it might get them in trouble somehow… Let me know. I can even delete this comment by you if you’d like. That’s why I created the private discussion page- this stuff is tricky sometimes. Until then- stay strong in seeking after what’s right. Your brother.

  15. George says:

    Hi Thorin, I need your help. I’m in my midlife, christian, married with sons and I’m struggling with the crossdressing issue from the age of 10-11. Almost one year ago after being badly fallen again I prayed God with all my desperation and I felt he gave me a special help. I shivered. From that moment I managed to overcome all temptations with prayer and a watchful life (for 11 months -first time in my life) but lately I fell again. I feel I betrayed god I’m pretty discouraged now, making my situation worse and getting prone to frequent failures. The very bad thing in my crossdressing is that dressing up as a woman (heels, stockings etc) is not enough, I want to have sex as a woman. Although I don’t like men I’d have sex with them just to feel a real whore – it is what actually excites me. In those moment all my life is focussed on very few things: I love to have my pair of high heels sandals, learn to walk with them, admire myself in the mirror, walking outside dressed up, excited if a lorry driver notices me passing by. The rest of life can go to hell.
    I feel it is extremely dangerous for me and my family which I love. I feel that this danger is ever increasing as I need more and more to get contented: until now I did everything alone, now I feel the urge to do it with men. I am devastated as I love my wife, my sons and God.
    I’m struggling and I pray God to help me once again.
    I know that my full commitment is an essential requirement but can’t solve the problem by itself. I need God’s help.
    Pray for me,

    • ikthys says:

      Hey there George. Thanks so much for sharing so honestly! Before I go any further, did you mean this for Thorin thinking this is the blog he manages? If so, you may want to copy this and post it on his site at http://healingcd.wordpress.com/ Either way I will pray for you. I know the feelings you’ve expressed. Be encouraged, you can really have change in your heart and mind over time. I have found that honest reflection and sharing like this has helped a ton. Keep on loving your family. You make a huge difference to them!

  16. Ellen Cade says:

    I have been a cd fully for a year. I still do not understand it.

    • ikthys says:

      Thanks for sharing! I wouldn’t say I fully understand it yet either. I have certainly grown leaps and bounds through this venue of reflection, and through the community of those trying to work through it together. I would definitely say that once it seemed an impenetrable mystery of a compulsion, and now it seems much less illusive and far more manageable, though certainly still interesting as a phenomenon nonetheless. Anyway, feel free to peruse around and share some thoughts.

  17. Sa says:

    I am really glad I found this thread…I have been dressing on and off for at least 12 years…and I really wanna quit now and I really have to…I want to love my family and give it up. I know that I can do it with Gods help. I feel though that I have been feeding the flesh so much that my Spirit is weak. So I put my hope in the passage about Jesus being strong when I am weak, and God being faithful and just to forgive us our sins. I really hate dressing…and want to stop. Thanks for listening pray for me.

    • ikthys says:

      Great to hear from you! So glad you found me (wish I knew better how to make this blog more findable). The truth is that it will probably take years of unravelling all the mess you made in your own heart and mind with this decade-long devotion. I say that mostly because it has taken ME years to unravel the mess I made of MYSELF. But you are very very correct that, with Christ, no mess is too big to overcome in getting back onto the righteous road of living free of this. I do pray for you and your success and for your family. Please do look around, even at the other blogs I reccommend at the right. Feel free to comment or question anywhere along the way.

  18. Rambo says:

    Rambo I have been a crossdresser, since I was I would say age 7 and now. I to have this same crorssdressing thing too. It’s hard to stop it. I know, I have tried all my life to stop it form happening to me. I am so, glad , that I am not along in this whole mess. I think that and I an not saying for sure that you may have this issue. But there are people, who have a sinkness too. Have any of you thought of going to see a doctor, who is a doctor who, has a job of being a mind doctor at all? What I am trying to say is you may or may not have O.C.D. I can not spell very well of what it means but, I hope that you would look into it and find out waht it means. Thanks for your time Rambo.

    • Rambo says:

      Pray for me to my brothers in Christ. Please. Pray that God would give me streath to over come this mess in my life.

      • ikthys says:

        I am definitely praying for you Rambo. I would recommend you check out the “healing from crossdressing” site for a prayer chain you can get connected to, and plenty of good articles and references.

    • ikthys says:

      Hey Rambo,
      Thanks for sharing. I would not deny that some measure of obsession and compulsion (the OC of OCD) is present in my life- especially back when I was allowing crossdressing in my life! I would characterize it more as oc personality disorder, and not so much the ocd diagnosis itself, but I’m no doc. I do know that crossdressing inherently includes obsession about femininity in some way, and for some times. And I know that my sexual connection with it made me very compulsive about seeking it out as well, like I was hooked on it… Since giving it all up, I have not only been freed from a lot of the baggage that comes with that lifestyle, but I have also just had more time and space to work on my personality and spirituality in general, helping me in areas of OC personality. I pray that you will find freedom in your journey out of women’s clothes as well. Feel free to read, comment, and share anything here. Peace!

  19. Mark says:

    hi there i have been reading a lot of the posts here and i applaud them for opening up this often hidden and frustrating topic, especially for Christians. i have been a crossdresser for over 30 years and i am well aware that it is not ok with God to engage in such behavior. i find it a struggle often times to resist the temptation of crossdressing especially when we are bombarded with strong feminine and sexual images on a daily basis. its all around us and for us crossdressers it makes it even more of a temptation in my opinion. for me the sight of a women wearing high heels or black sheer pantyhose is enough to send my being into a tailspin of temptation and strong feelings of wanting to wear what she is wearing.
    the point i would like to bring forth here is the element of being tempted and influenced by Demonic beings to become and engage in crossdressing or transsexual activities. i am not sure how many here have watched or read Howard Pittman’s testimony of the demonic realm and how demonic beings are all around us constantly attempting to overtake us in every decision we make. the video is on youtube and its called Placebo. i encourage everyone to watch it.
    I have always wondered if the whole act of wanting or needing to crossdress comes from some form of demonic influence. The bible tells us of various forms of demonic activity including some forms of epilepsy. i am wondering what everyone thinks about this and if anyone has had any personal experiences they can share.

    most crossdressers, like myself started at an early age at least in a more mental form so i suspect that perhaps we are leaving out a very strong possibility that a transexual or crossdresser may be the subject of demonic influences at an early age. there are those that say crossdressing comes form birth in the mothers womb and i also have heard that left handed people are more prone to crossdressing. so what does this really mean? i don’t think God would create such a deviant being, do you?
    i still struggle with crossdressing most of the time and i also find that when i get sad, down or feeling stressed the feelings tent to magnify.
    I would love to hear what everyone thinks.

    • ikthys says:

      Hey Mark! Thanks so much for sharing! I can very much relate to your assessment of our media culture. I am equally susceptible to the images you mentioned- even the thought of them. I am open to the idea that any form of sin could be the result of demonic influence at some level. I am also interested in seeing it through the lens of a special type of demonic oppression and influence. I will say, however, that I am wary of demonology in general because it is based on so little revelation, and it so difficult (impossible?) to verify in the undisciplined reflection and theorizing that goes with it in some contexts. I have been prayed over specifically for the removal of demonic “assignment” before, but still continued in this for years afterward… As for starting early, or even the finding of biological correlation in certain psychological elements (e.g. left handedness), I think that means very little with regard to “being born” any sort of way. At most it means some people have a greater temptation or disposition to fall into this kind of sin. No different than how some are more predisposed to become addicted to drugs or substances they try. I hope you are blessed to find victory over this life-long pattern and struggle. May we both find freedom from its stranglehold.

  20. WPDP says:

    I have struggled with cross-dressing all my life. Before I was born my mother desperately wanted a baby daughter. Instead she got me. I understand I was a disappointment. I was a very sensitive, a very clingy baby who wanted to be held by my mom all the time. My mom tells me that that made her next pregnancy more difficult. When I was one year old my mother was pregnant again. However, this time her dreams were met, and she gave birth to the daughter she always wanted. My sister’s birth was the happiest day of my mother’s life. This was the story I grew up hearing over and over. My sister was pampered, and treated like a treasure. I grew up thinking that all parents wanted girls. I grew up thinking that girls had it better in life. I grew up thinking that my mother would love me more if I was born a girl. Perhaps I was overly sensitive. I do know that i got in trouble many, many times as a young boy by getting into my mom’s closet and trying on her clothes. I remember those days, and my name for it was “playing mommy”. The response from my family was a form of aversion therapy. They teased me, and made me cry. Since I was a sensitive child, their therapy worked pretty well. By the time I started school, I accepted the fact that I was a boy. However, I still believed that all parents preferred girls, and boys were just a troublesome inconvenience. This created a poor self-esteem, but for the most part, I acted and appeared to be a normal boy. Years passed without cross-dressing, until one day when I was eleven years old and noticed that just touching some feminine clothing gave me a sexual thrill. I tried putting on a dress. My whole body was shaking. I felt great excitement. I don’t think I wore that dress for more than a few seconds, but I was immediately addicted.

    As the years passed, I would try over, and over, an over to stop cross-dressing. I was raised as a devote Christian. I understood it was wrong, and I believed I should be able to conquer this. I have a scientific training and I would try to understand what was going on inside me in scientific terms. From what I understood, my perception becomes my personal reality. I was cross-dressing as a defense mechanism to correct a perceived problem. It was as if my brain was hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female. My brain’s response was to release dopamine and other neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, comfort, sexual gratification and bonding. It affects the reward centers of my brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response. Technically I was using cross-dressing as a tool to get my brain to release more, and more neurotransmitters.

    I found that I cannot stop my brain from releasing neurotransmitters, but I could keep them under control. I rarely cross-dressed, and when I did it was always limited to one or two articles. Then there was marriage. When I got married I really thought I would gain final control over my cross-dressing. I love my wife and I would never let something like this become a problem. My wife is also a Christian and very understanding, and accepting. She considered my cross-dressing to be an addiction, but as long as I kept it under control she had no problem with it.Then there was children, I had a family. When children came into the equation, I decided to quit completely. And I did… at least for 20 years… Cross-dressing can be suppressed but I could not change the way my brain was hard-wired.

    After the children left the house, I was stressed by finances, paying for college, job stress, worries about health and retirement. I found that some limited cross-dressing was very tempting. I would just wear one piece under my pajamas, as sleepwear. At this point I have to say that I find that my early childhood perceptions still have an impact on me. A little cross-dressing has a certain comfort factor, relieves stress, makes me happy and greatly improved my ability to sleep,

    Your thoughts are very welcome.

  21. Wenshan says:

    Hi Everyone, I’m glad that I found this website. I’ve been struggling with crossdressing since forever and this past months I feel that I’m starting to loosing ground. I’m a Chinese Indonesian (pardon the broken English, since it’s not my native tounge) and brought up in a religious family. My first recollection of gender bending is around 5 years old when I read a children magazine where one of the character have to dress-up as a form of punishment. I instantly “hooked” on this story and imagining that this character was me.

    I started dressing in female garment in my teen years but not too frequently. Usually when I was alone in the house. During this time I started collection personal story of transgender people such as Tula Cossey and many Indonesian transgender.

    I try my best not to crossdressing but often time failed, and this past months I feel that I’m loosing ground since this “habit” become more and more increasingly tempting and I failed miserably. Hope to find an accountability friend to help me break free of this sinful habit.

    Thanks

    • ikthys says:

      Welcome. I can certainly relate to your struggle reading such material. In fact, I have several times in my life looked for the asian comics for crossdressing fantasy material. It seems to be an issue that men in the East struggle with very seriously (much like men out here in the US). I will pray for you. My main intention in this site is to process WHY I am drawn to it. I have found that answering that question helps me find legitimate healing.

    • thorin25 says:

      Hi Wenshan, you are welcome to join our prayer group and we can offer you the accountability you are seeking. We would love to have you!

      http://healingcd.wordpress.com/email-prayer-chain/

  22. Jillian says:

    My husband has been fighting this for many years. He’s looking for people who fight it and overcome. He is a Christian man, and he doesn’t want to accept, he wants to overcome. I’m looking for him, because he feels it feeds the problem. If you gentleman have any advice, or thoughts….

    Thanks! 🙂

    • ikthys says:

      Welcome, Jillian. I will pray for you guys. I think sites like mine and others I’ve linked to are full of advice and thoughts that could help. We are men who are fighting and trying to discover the real life full of joy that comes from liberation from cd habits and thoughts. If you have questions, of whatever nature, you can feel totally comfortable asking and know I would give an honest and open response. The most important encouragement I’d give you now is that you CAN make it through this, and he CAN get over this. He’ll need your help, and love. He’ll also need your reason and clarity to gently challenge his confusion. I think he’ll find his way out if he continues to strive for truth. Stay in touch!

  23. stagdoe says:

    Jillian, I’m a married Christian guy who struggles with this on some levels. There is a good resource http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/ where Christians can talk about all sorts of things. It’d be great if the men on here, and their wives, knew about this. might be helpful

  24. shelley says:

    In the past year I have “caught” my 13 year old son wearing makeup and some of my clothes and shoes. We are a Christian farm and ranch family. I am having a very hard time with this but trying to be calm and understanding. Any ideas what I can do to help him stop?

    • shelley says:

      Please do not email me as it is shared with my husband; who does not know about this

      • ikthys says:

        Hey Shelly. First of all, welcome. I’m sure you’ve found (or will find) that there are a wide range of views out there on the matter and our approach to it. But I am honored that after reading my stuff here that you’d ask me. Since I am now headed into my 40s and still struggle not to desire what your son does (maybe, hard to say for sure without knowing him and his thoughts), it is hard for me to offer you any kind of assurances that this can just be “fixed” like I often wish it could be for myself (and you may or may not wish for your son and family, and he may or may not wish for himself). I can tell you a few things that I think may be helpful without knowing any more info than you’ve shared. As I assume you’ve read my confession a bit here, and I imagine you’ve done some poking around online on the issue before even finding me here, I will skip some of the informative prefaces and basic support advice. My parents discovered my issue when I was a little older (16ish). They were angry and hurt and at a total loss as to what to even say to me. When it comes to family, it would have been virtually impossible for my parents to help me, though. A lot of my issues stemmed from their bad relationship and example (even though they were professing and practicing Christians). I would have benefited hugely from a healthy loving relationship between the two of them, where my dad wasn’t a rude, lazy, selfish, a-hole and my mom wasn’t a co-dependent, simple, insecure, wimp, and where they really strove to affirm and serve each other regardless. Please don’t take me as saying “it’s your fault”. It may be none of your fault at all, it may be some. I’m just starting there cause it’s a good place to start that you can control, and may also get in the way of trying to work with him on any other aspect. Any effort of my parents to try to get close to me on this most sensitive and personal of levels was utterly out of the question and only drove me deeper due to our broken relationship in general (I was so mortified and angry at the same time that I totally shut down and would not even look at them or speak to them when this came up- just waited to be excused and then got drunk to forget it ever happened…). If I had a healthy relationship with either parent (I didn’t) I may have taken the time to discuss it openly and figure it out, I don’t know for sure. I know I was heavily influenced by my own insecurities and self-image problems. Do you think your son thinks he is ugly or unattractive? Is he always overlooked by the girls he likes? That’s an important area to look at and support and explain to any youth, in my opinion. Similarly, does you son have proper thoughts about sex? I was only armed with vague and taboo notions of sex by my parents (i.e. it’s really really bad to have sex outside of marriage- that’s it). Part of my story came out of the fact that I was seeking gratification of an unknown wonderful feeling that nobody helped me process. I discovered it in all kinds of bent ways and thus developed really deep-seated associations, etc. Have you ever (has his dad ever) had a solid talk with him about the realities of male sexual feelings, desires, expressions, and the virtues and approaches to navigating them rightly? If not, where do you think he’s gonna learn that? For me it was alone with some women’s underwear. For kids nowadays with the internet…? That also leads to how much I was allowed unfiltered access to pop culture TV where female objectified sexuality through heels, dresses, makeup, etc, were worships like gods. If he’s been a “normal kid” then he’s been deeply indoctrinated by Hollywood already and needs a lot of prayer and care and deep conviction of truth to get out of it. That brings up his faith. Love church? Indifferent? Doubts? I had no god- and thus why not dress up like a girl? (Almost) No reason not to in my opinion (no reason not to do whatever one wants in life unless we were created by a good God…). Again, I really hope I’m not making you angry here. I’m sure I’m offending someone out there. But I’m doing my best to hit on the power houses of my heart as I recall my development. There may be great hope for you if you are armed with these insights. I would certainly never ever ever recommend letting him “experiment”, or approving of it. You can love him and have open conversations without that- me and my wife do all the time. I would be very interested and heartily welcome him contacting me (see my private message page) about this if he’s open at all to thinking about what’s going on. Of course that could be dangerous if he’s seeing other sights, etc. (don’t know what access you’ve given him thus far). But we can have a conversation through your email or something like that- as long as he can feel it’s safe (that he’s not gonna get in trouble for talking about his feelings- even about his family). Even more, there’s some “fellow fighters” on the right of my page. “Thorin” is a pastor who has a similar story to mine and is living in sobriety and leading a lot of Christian guys who struggle through his page, email prayer chain, and general council (including myself). I would definitely get his advice and pastoral wisdom. I’m very open to continuing discussion with you or whomever to learn more and to hear how things are going… Hope this starts to help address the matter.

      • ikthys says:

        Good thing you sent this as I nearly did…

  25. Vested says:

    This is my first entry into this marvelous discussion, one, admittedly, I should have been looking for a long time ago. So forgive me if I go over parts of the discussion which have already met a reasonably settled form. Please correct me on this or any other mistake perhaps inevitable to someone who’s joining in the discussion so late in the day.

    I also wonder if I have very much more to say than what Dramaking said quite a while ago, when he proclaimed that he had dealt with this problem simply through a reliance on Jesus Christ, if I understand him correctly.

    But in the hope that some features of my experience may be useful to others, I continue.

    First, my transvestite yearnings seem to have been first stimulated by my mother and older sisters in response to the fact that when I was seven years old I had become an exceedingly aggressive young man, whose imagination required constant stimulus from toy weapons of all types, and I tended to express frustration with other kids through hitting out, even girls.

    At that time, and indeed in the present day, a widely approved treatment for this kind of behavior was putting the boy into girls clothes. But the attempt of the females in the family to get me to dress up “to see what you would look like if you had been born a girl” met with such a firm, and indeed , angry refusal that the attempt was dropped, along with subtle attempts to feminize my wardrobe, and I was sent off to a coed boarding school instead.

    Nonetheless, while I firmly rejected any well-intentioned attempts at feminization on the surface level, deep down the seeds of this increasingly fascinating transformation had been planted, and bore fruit in dreams and fantasies of the next five years, becoming more and more of a thrilling thought as puberty and sexual maturity developed. I have been haunted by this desire ever since though I feel at the moment I have perhaps finally mastered the problem.

    But as to the question of whether transvestism is sinful. In one respect it has been, in my case at least, grossly sinful. Before we married, I told my wife about my interest in dressing in feminine clothes, and in her innocence she accepted this, and indeed at that time we were both quite wildly in love. Through my intemperance and lack of sensitivity to her feelings it was, however, not long before she turned against it. I nonetheless kept pressing these desires in the most insensitive fashion. Finally, after too many years, we came to the realization that we would both be much happier if I dropped both the practice and any discussion of it.

    But the hankering remained, and I was able to gratify the impulse by indulging in various forms of transvestite pornography on the web. I am finally attempting to deal with this in three different ways. At one time we both belonged to a charismatic church in Montréal and during that time the transvestite impulse simply vanished.

    Once we moved to Florida for my wife’s health, however, we’ were not able to find a church similarly inspired and the temptations crept up on me again. I am now fighting it and perhaps effectively dealing with it in several ways. First I’m impressed by the notion expressed in these discussions that there may be something demonic about the transvestite impulse, and I find the notion of being haunted by a seductive succuba acting on behalf of a succubus all too shockingly plausible. ( Maybe those mediaevals really knew what they were talking about).

    But at the moment the spiritual treatment I find most helpful of all is to persuade myself that the work I am attempting on behalf of the Kingdom of Jesus Christ leaves me no time or energy for digressions into transvestite fantasy. As a follow-up, on my wife’s enthusiastic suggestion, I’ve grown a beard successfully enough that vanity at least urges me to keep it.

    St. Paul’s injunction to “Pray Constantly” is something I have to follow constantly enough to maintain my resolution to give absolute primacy to the work for the Kingdom, and to ignore the all too plausible assertion that transvestism can provide a pleasing form of relaxation to stressed-out people, ( an assertion I take about as seriously as the. for us, fatal claim that Kent cigarettes are too mild to harm your lungs).

    Vested

    • ikthys says:

      Thanks for sharing your story, struggle, and solutions with me (and others). There’s so much sad tragedy we all have in our wake over this stuff. I often wish I could go back and undo it all. I am unfamiliar with some of the references you made with regard to demonology, etc, but that’s ok. I agree that, no matter what, a life that is prayerful and vigilant, and centered on Christ can be a victorious one against any supposed power. After years of trying to live out a healthy abstinence from the old ways, I am happy to report that it gets easier to chase away the ridiculousness of the CD notions that once seemed to utterly claim my heart. I thank God for that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s