The word closeness can have many different meanings. In this context it refers to both physical (i.e. sexual) closeness and relational intimacy. The two overlap in a way that is difficult, if not impossible, if not inappropriate, to separate. I was like most other young men who wanted a girlfriend, wanted to know I am attractive and desirable, wanted to share some close connection with a woman. But, the image of men I got from life was that they were insensitive and unaware of a woman’s wants and interests. I honestly imagined I’d top these brutes by really bonding with women’s reality, which culturally and popularly has clothing right at the center. When a girl in high school wanted to dress me up and do my makeup as a joke, I loved the chance to be so close to her and it was as close to having sex with her as I could get. I absolutely longed to bond and connect with women, and found myself completely spell-bound in the presence of a beautiful girl. Surely this is not unusual, but this is the precise moment when a young man needs counsel and guidance. I had neither, but I did have a complicated crossdressing habit that made of the core of how I processed and dealt with all things related to females. Women’s clothing was a relatively simple means (though ultimately quite complicating and complex in practical and mental terms) for me to attain emotional and physical closeness with girls. But it also created a horrible riddle where the ultimate prize was some kind of strange crossdressed fantasy, but the very fact that I held such a prize put a million road blocks between me and real and healthy intimacy with girl.
In fact, four major ways in which such intimacy was disintegrated and manifested in my desires are as follows:
Competition. It is actually very easy to slip out of the mode of open love whereby we allow someone the freedom to provide what we want or not, and into a sense of entitlement based on our achievements and merits. In this way, I sometimes tried to be so strong in feminine virtues (though not mannerisms) as to impress a girl into wanting to be with me on the grounds that I was more feminine that she was. This won me a few admiring friends, but certainly no smitten partners, and it had the special drawback of only working on women whom I wouldn’t be attracted to anyway due to their not being that feminine. I think it genuinely puzzled others due to the clear contradiction to my cold outward demeanor (which was more a survivalist cover-up than anything else). It is embarrassing to even mention that I would imagine competing with women in my looks (i.e. to look like a more attractive woman than her). I would, but only in my private world as this is simply nonsense in reality. I guess it’s more reasonable at least to talk of competing with women when it comes to their clothing, though not as a woman. A man could go into a woman’s department and put on a sexier outfit than a woman, though he certainly would not be a sexy man in it, even less a sexy woman!
Confusion. The relationships that “feel” the best to us are the ones that have the most clearly established boundaries (provided they are not boundaries that take away our dignity or freedom). I think it is obvious that I regularly would blur the lines in my mind between the one I pursued and my own self. Biological gender is meant to be a marked division to help establish relational health! But the cultural roles confused me to the point of failing to see this. This was a crippling weakness in my pursuit of girls who were very offput by what must have seemed like an unsafe individual due to my lack of committment to any one position or definition.
Covetousness. I spent much of my young life boiling with envy over the girls I desired. I mostly envied that they got to dress as girls, but this is connected to the fact that I was jealous of them as people for being attractive to me while I was not attractive to them. In fact, as coveting has a tendency to do, I often hated them for this imbalance. It pushed me deeper and deeper in my private dressing to fantasize that I was incredibly irresistibly attractive (how ridiculous as I was dressed in a laughable and I’m sure most would agree awful way).
Control. Dressing as a woman brought the ultimate gratification of imagining that I had total control of the woman of my interest (since I myself was the body in clothes and could do whatever I wanted with myself!). This is a drastic (and even dangerous) direction for anyone to take in their pursuit of women. I saw it as safe due to the basic fact that it was all me, but I think it is clear how the root concept is surely applied by others in evil ways.
Looking at my current situation, I had hoped that sex with my wife would remove this entire problem and solve this portion of my motivation altogether, but I should have known that such a thing is not constant, and that, even if it was, I would still likely struggle considering the added temptation with more freedom to think sexual thoughts, clothes in the closet, lack of perfect intimacy, etc. In addition it should also be noted that, unless my wife took the same interest in being enjoyed in her clothes that I did in enjoying her in them, my obsession would need to be tamed down in order for the relationship to sustain the right kind of mutual satisfaction and no unfair burdens left hanging on either party. I wish I would have thought of all this beforehand so that I could’ve been more upfront with my wife about the struggle. Instead I truly though it would be gone. Nobody can deny that true intimacy with a human being is not a walk in the park. And it most definitely didn’t address the other pieces of the puzzle such as the Perks, the Conditioning, and the Suppression that occurred.