Lately, I’m pleased to say that I’ve have a very strong sense of being stable and sane. I’m not letting it lull me into a false sense of ease or flirtation with temptation, but I am taking the time to bolster my thoughts that tend toward a solid and singular sobriety about myself and my relationship with the lures that get me.
This weekend, I am home alone. No kids, no wife, extra day off of work, etc. It’s a perfect recipe for tragedy to strike in my heart and mind. Yet, I don’t feel the pull. Instead it just all seems kinda foreign. Thank God!
That said, It’s not as if the matter has not crossed my mind at all. This is because, over the last year, I have struggled a lot with failures that I hadn’t experienced for years prior. Part of it was pressure, change, stress, anxiety, pain, worry, fights with my wife, etc. But I think MOST of it can be pragmatically connected to the fact that we had a situation where my wife was gone one evening per week. That was a “freedom” I just was not ready to handle successfully.
Certainly, it wouldn’t be impossible to slip up in secret any time, but having the whole bedroom (and closet and dresser) available is very different. Going through this last year led me (I think) to a new level of growth where it’s not just about what I can get away with, but more deeply about what I really want or what really IS. One thing that makes a big difference in changing my perspective on that is the confession process. It reminds me that there really is no such thing as secret time from God.
What foolishness to imagine otherwise, but that is a huge part of my spiritual poverty a lot of times- succumbing to the lie that life is not lived before and unto God, but rather just scraping by unnoticed by His care and concern. The enemy of our soul always wants us to believe we are alone and only have our flesh (or even rationality) to lead us. Instead, when we can “remember” the reality of things well through prayer, revelation, and worship, it orients us in a different way- gives us access to another option- the higher power of recovery group fame.
Today I just lied in bed for hours in silence, awake. In the past, letting my mind just drift around and/or just kinda trying to make myself happy escaping reality would have filled my time and often led to carnal acts I am not proud to admit. But now, the silence, when placed before the Lord, was a sacred space to just rest, not surrendering to the madness and folly that the mind can easily drift to. It’s been wonderful, even if unproductive.
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