Home alone

Lately, I’m pleased to say that I’ve have a very strong sense of being stable and sane.  I’m not letting it lull me into a false sense of ease or flirtation with temptation, but I am taking the time to bolster my thoughts that tend toward a solid and singular sobriety about myself and my relationship with the lures that get me.
This weekend, I am home alone.  No kids, no wife, extra day off of work, etc.  It’s a perfect recipe for tragedy to strike in my heart and mind.  Yet, I don’t feel the pull.  Instead it just all seems kinda foreign.  Thank God!
That said, It’s not as if the matter has not crossed my mind at all.  This is because, over the last year, I have struggled a lot with failures that I hadn’t experienced for years prior.  Part of it was pressure, change, stress, anxiety, pain, worry, fights with my wife, etc.  But I think MOST of it can be pragmatically connected to the fact that we had a situation where my wife was gone one evening per week.  That was a “freedom” I just was not ready to handle successfully.
Certainly, it wouldn’t be impossible to slip up in secret any time, but having the whole bedroom (and closet and dresser) available is very different.  Going through this last year led me (I think) to a new level of growth where it’s not just about what I can get away with, but more deeply about what I really want or what really IS.  One thing that makes a big difference in changing my perspective on that is the confession process.  It reminds me that there really is no such thing as secret time from God.
What foolishness to imagine otherwise, but that is a huge part of my spiritual poverty a lot of times- succumbing to the lie that life is not lived before and unto God, but rather just scraping by unnoticed by His care and concern.  The enemy of our soul always wants us to believe we are alone and only have our flesh (or even rationality) to lead us.  Instead, when we can “remember” the reality of things well through prayer, revelation, and worship, it orients us in a different way- gives us access to another option- the higher power of recovery group fame.
Today I just lied in bed for hours in silence, awake.  In the past, letting my mind just drift around and/or just kinda trying to make myself happy escaping reality would have filled my time and often led to carnal acts I am not proud to admit.  But now, the silence, when placed before the Lord, was a sacred space to just rest, not surrendering to the madness and folly that the mind can easily drift to.  It’s been wonderful, even if unproductive.

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1 Response to Home alone

  1. Rachel Rose says:

    Hello Ikthys, same report here. I just got over a HUGE temptation the last 48 hours. Here I Dallas they have a large party downtown at one of the night clubs that attracts people from allover the world! Years past I go and drinking the nigh away. They have several tables of things to buy and a photo booth. All very fun and exciting but for several bad reasons. It is a crowd of un-saved people. There maybe a few “carnal Christians” mixed in but for the most part, this is the world. Reason number two, it is a bar. So being a bar, people are drinking and acting stupid. Bad reason three, it happens very late at night. I cannot stay up to 1am to have a fun time. There are more bad reasons but you get the picture.

    What did I do over the 48 hours? Well Friday night I cooked the wife a nice diner and then w sat and watch almost two hours of “Gabe the Street Preacher” on You-Tube. Then went to bed around 9pm. Yes, pretty early (that bar had just opened the doors for the party as we snuggled safely in our nest).

    Saturday was a little different. My little brain was had at work trying everything to get me out to that party. I was going over every “good” reason to take off; it was a nice day, it was a cold day, it was a weekend, I had the permission from the wife, I had plenty of costumes, I would not drink too much, I would drink nothing, I would take my wife to the party, ect, ect, ect. It is madness.

    What happened? I did not go out to the party! LOL. The Bible say; “resist the devil and he will flee.” It is good advice. But you cannot only resist you have to take action too. I did take action. I thought instead of running to a worldly party, how about making a small party for the wife? I did make a very small party for the wife. I went shopping and bought: fancy little plates, several cheeses and some wine.

    I spent the rest of the day sewing my wife’s PJs and hemming other things that needed fixing. All watching Godzilla movies; I love to see the big lizard smash builds. I possibly have anger issues here but that is another thread.

    Later we sat and eat out cheese and drink our wine. And then went to sleep at 9pm again. Mission accomplished. The HUGE party at the night club was gone and I did not go out. I do have one regret; I have ten years running my picture taken in the photo booth at that party. There is forever a missing picture as a reminder that in 2018 I stayed away.

    God Bless

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