Very strange twist (for me)

I know it must sound pretentious to call anything strange in this flipped around side of the world I often live in dealing with these issues, but something occurred recently that was truly surprising to me and I still can’t totally explain or understand it-  but I wanna try while it’s very fresh.

In recent times (last 1.5 years or so), I have (very unfortunately) been far more prone to failure in my battle to remain free of crossdressing.  In my moments of weakness I have watched, listened, worn, done, etc.  I have had more moments like that in recent times than I did for 5 or so years combined prior.  It does not mean I’ve given up or given in overall.  All along the way I have continued to post reflections as I dust off and try life some more.  Each time I feel I learn a little bit, maybe even get a little bit stronger (which just means that life is getting even harder relative to the pace of my personal growth in strength).

If you’ve followed my posts, I have been thinking that I found a good handle by which to look at it all pretty simply.  I think I have made it too simple, in fact.  By reducing everything to mere physiological urge and conditioned fetish, I have ignored much of the undercurrent of other associations that know have been woven into my story throughout the years.  I suppose I had hoped to distance myself from that deeper association as much as possible.  I still do.  I don’t want to feed it, but nonetheless, I do need to face it (and even face that I have indeed fed it over time).

In my most recent stumbling, I actually was not really able/willing/feeling like going “all the way” in the sexual sense (which I invariably have for pretty much my whole post-pubescent life).  Even with stimulation and pressure and abandon, I only went so far as to feel good, a bit of arousal, some enjoyment of the feel and look and just fact of having it, and then went back into “normal” mode of my day.  I was shocked at myself even as I did it.  At first I though maybe it was an answer to decades of prayer that God would release me from the “temptation” of my flesh.  I still haven’t put that theory to rest.

I also wondered if I may be approaching a new bench mark in life (getting into more middle adulthood) where the fireworks at the end aren’t as thrilling and compulsively overwhelming to the entire journey as is the appreciation that the trip is at least as much fun along the way…  I don’t mean to paint any of this as a positive behavior by any means (except where it might apply in normal physical relations in my marriage, etc.).  I always kinda expected (seems like falsely so, just like my foolish hopes of thinking marriage itself would solve my problems) that, without the drive for climax, that the interest could and would surely fade out.  Perhaps it is and will.  If so, bring it on as fast as possible!

Instead (I fear), it seems like there is a more lasting and permeating sense of closeness that I’ve acquired- likely analogous to what comes from a dedicated relationship over years and years.  I’ve got a lifelong confidant in the clothes that makes me happy and comforted (except of course for the train wreck that follows if I want to have a healthy and happy life the way I am committed to it) aside from the purely physical (though I bet the actual brain chemistry has a lot to do with it still).

I don’t really know all the way.  But- on the brightest side of all these conjectures- IF this is true to any extent (that the surface experience is fading as a motivator and the undercurrent connection is what is to be left in its place) I think this could mean that I might have a way to simply smolder the embers a bit easier than I would have ever been able to stamp out the raging fires of my youth.  We’ll see.

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7 Responses to Very strange twist (for me)

  1. Ralph says:

    I hate to break bad news to you, but your self-analysis is spot-on. You’re at the point now where I reached 20 years ago. Crossdressing started out as a sexual thing, but it became so normalized over the next couple of decades that as I got older and my body lost its innate desire to procreate, wearing dresses just seemed comfortable and familiar to me.

    At least, that’s how I understand it progressed. Back in my teens, just about anything could arouse me. Wearing a dress or some pantyhose? Sure! But so could just sitting there in jeans and t-shirt reading my chemistry assignment, or looking out the window, or feeling a breeze… so it could be that I just assume the crossdressing provided sexual release, but “correlation does not imply causation” as they say.

    Also as you noted, it could be more difficult to stop the habit when there’s no longer a connection to sexual arousal. You no longer have to feel guilty about sexual sin, per se, so it’s easier to justify that you’re just doing a normal, natural thing. You’ve seen from our discussions over the years that I long ago stopped bearing any shame or guilt over what I do, and one of the reasons is precisely *because* there’s no sexual element.

    Hopefully (prayerfully!) your “smolder the embers” plan will work. I look forward to hearing what you have in mind. For now, one suggestion that has certainly helped me minimize the urge so I don’t feel compelled to wear dresses 24/7: Wear men’s clothing in softer fabrics. After a half century of wearing nylon, satin, velvet and such around my body my skin HATES the feel of cotton, so I’ll wear silk or nylon boxers, or spandex bike shorts instead of cotton briefs; soft acrylic or nylon blend socks instead of cotton athletic socks; a nylon/spandex “under armour” athletic shirt under my t-shirt; a velour hoodie (but men’s! it says so on the label!) instead of a cotton sweatshirt.

    Of course, all that advice comes from someone who gave up the fight long ago so I may not be the best source of advice for someone still working on it 🙂

    • ikthys says:

      I do recall you sharing on this matter. It nonetheless surprised me. It just never happened that way before. In terms of taming the physiology, I am no doubt still 20 years away from quiet waters, but I can’t say that the sexuality part crossdressing is the only issue in its morality (or immorality) in my opinion. There are many elements besides, and I have no intention of living out the “pleasure” of such dressing. Still, it was strange to find such a pleasure that didn’t have a sexual end. Nor was it related to fabric. I’d say there was only ever a short window of time in my youth when the actual literal fabric feel had much to do with things. Women’s clothes are far more iconic just for their design, cut, and- ultimately to me- the way they accentuate a woman’s attractive figure and form. This is why they can never truly be a pleasure on me. In the most recent case, the fit of the thing(s) I wore was at least not super awkward, so I think that had to do with feeling a bit better about them on than merely as a quick means. Anyway. Much to contemplate.

    • Rachel Rose says:

      Hello Ralph, glad to see you are still posting!

  2. Fiona says:

    If it is of any consolation, I too experience the ‘outside looking in’ element to my crossdressing. First comes the urge to dress, so you do. Then comes the journey once you’ve set off. For me, it may be brazen, flirtatious, overtly sexual, or merely seeking to chat on-line as I sit dressed for all to see and reckon with. Depths could be reached, or not. But woe betide me if depths are reached – yes, the ‘fireworks at the end’ are akin to the aftermath of a firework display when you’re left feeling flat (for whatever reason) because it has ended, it happned, and there is no way back.

    For me, a relationship with my significant other isn’t seen as a distraction from crossdressing, more a retrospective reason as to why I shouldn’t. But I find myself analysing the nature of the household environment around me, and when it is particularly nice, the guiltomter hits ‘red’ but not in a good way.

    Counter that with the lure of crossdressing to beat off feelings of daily drudgery and dull repetition and those tender moments to ones self make what might well then follow over the working day far easier to cope with.

    Smouldering embers they may be but embers can spark into uncontrollable flames at any time, and for me, there can sometimes be no way to stop them. You’re not on your own here ikthys and with differing experiences nevertheless, can offer both sympathy and empathy. No one is the same, but definitely similar.

    F.x

    • ikthys says:

      Thanks for sharing! Much to relate to in the anxieties, pressures, release, and journey. May we find peace and victory toward the salvation of our selves and our souls.

    • Rachel Rose says:

      Fiona said “daily drudgery.” You are so right. Some times sitting at my desk as I watch all the fat women walk by wearing those stupid, skin tight leggings and shower shoes, I imagine I have come to work in a lovely, dress from the movie “My Fair Lady” with the huge hat on top! Women today cannot dress. It IS drudgery for me.

  3. rachel s says:

    I so need to comment on this thread however I just read a comment and it now has sparked a comment!

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