I know it must sound pretentious to call anything strange in this flipped around side of the world I often live in dealing with these issues, but something occurred recently that was truly surprising to me and I still can’t totally explain or understand it- but I wanna try while it’s very fresh.
In recent times (last 1.5 years or so), I have (very unfortunately) been far more prone to failure in my battle to remain free of crossdressing. In my moments of weakness I have watched, listened, worn, done, etc. I have had more moments like that in recent times than I did for 5 or so years combined prior. It does not mean I’ve given up or given in overall. All along the way I have continued to post reflections as I dust off and try life some more. Each time I feel I learn a little bit, maybe even get a little bit stronger (which just means that life is getting even harder relative to the pace of my personal growth in strength).
If you’ve followed my posts, I have been thinking that I found a good handle by which to look at it all pretty simply. I think I have made it too simple, in fact. By reducing everything to mere physiological urge and conditioned fetish, I have ignored much of the undercurrent of other associations that know have been woven into my story throughout the years. I suppose I had hoped to distance myself from that deeper association as much as possible. I still do. I don’t want to feed it, but nonetheless, I do need to face it (and even face that I have indeed fed it over time).
In my most recent stumbling, I actually was not really able/willing/feeling like going “all the way” in the sexual sense (which I invariably have for pretty much my whole post-pubescent life). Even with stimulation and pressure and abandon, I only went so far as to feel good, a bit of arousal, some enjoyment of the feel and look and just fact of having it, and then went back into “normal” mode of my day. I was shocked at myself even as I did it. At first I though maybe it was an answer to decades of prayer that God would release me from the “temptation” of my flesh. I still haven’t put that theory to rest.
I also wondered if I may be approaching a new bench mark in life (getting into more middle adulthood) where the fireworks at the end aren’t as thrilling and compulsively overwhelming to the entire journey as is the appreciation that the trip is at least as much fun along the way… I don’t mean to paint any of this as a positive behavior by any means (except where it might apply in normal physical relations in my marriage, etc.). I always kinda expected (seems like falsely so, just like my foolish hopes of thinking marriage itself would solve my problems) that, without the drive for climax, that the interest could and would surely fade out. Perhaps it is and will. If so, bring it on as fast as possible!
Instead (I fear), it seems like there is a more lasting and permeating sense of closeness that I’ve acquired- likely analogous to what comes from a dedicated relationship over years and years. I’ve got a lifelong confidant in the clothes that makes me happy and comforted (except of course for the train wreck that follows if I want to have a healthy and happy life the way I am committed to it) aside from the purely physical (though I bet the actual brain chemistry has a lot to do with it still).
I don’t really know all the way. But- on the brightest side of all these conjectures- IF this is true to any extent (that the surface experience is fading as a motivator and the undercurrent connection is what is to be left in its place) I think this could mean that I might have a way to simply smolder the embers a bit easier than I would have ever been able to stamp out the raging fires of my youth. We’ll see.