Why I don’t anymore

I’ve talked a lot about the past.  What about now?  Well, I  don’t dress up anymore, and I’ve had many opportunities to do so without anyone knowing.  But here is why I don’t:

1.  Because I told my wife I wouldn’t.  I will never break my word to her.  It is worth more than my life and my life is worth more than this desire to me.  It is enough for me to know that she despises the very idea of me crossdressing.  I cannot go on traumatizing her.

2.  Because I am beautiful without it.  This is difficult to hold to all the time, but having my wife’s love has really blessed me in this, the way I always hoped it would.  Also, I’m thankful and excited as I discover more and more advancement in our culture toward accepting and affirming male beauty.

3.  Because I can be a well-rounded man- with all healthy traits- without crossdressing.  Many don’t accept this, but I will stand with truth against culture and hold out hope for healing for men everywhere.  It’s not a loss of manhood to be gentle, soft, sensitive, etc!

4.  Because the clothes were not made for me, but for a woman, and the serious expression of a persona that is not mine is an unhealthy farce.  There is a “crossing” to crossdressing.  A “transgression” that need not happen.  If I want to look and feel good, then I can wear men’s clothes to the best of my ability.  Thanks to my wife, we are building my wardrobe with things that look and feel good in terms of color, texture, and fit.  This is new and wonderful for me to have this gentle help and empowerment.

5.  Because I have a wife who wears the clothes I used to love to look at and is at least willing to hear me say that I want to look at her that way.  This is more than I or anyone else could ever honestly and healthily want in this area.

6.  Because I think it’s wrong

I want to conclude this by emphasizing that the decision not to crossdress does not necessarily entail a suppression of one’s personality or desires.  Instead, I have found the most power in telling myself (and occasionally my wife) that I do have a deep desire to dress up, and then working on processing that desire by analyzing the possible reasons why I feel that way at the moment, and also, in the end, by taking into account all my other desires that may conflict or contradict this one.  In the end, I end up truly doing what I want, and that is living a healthy, loving existence with true joy.

13 Responses to Why I don’t anymore

  1. SweetPea says:

    I really like this post of yours and it shows just how much you are in love with your wife. In my heart i wish my husband thought the same way but I know it will never be so I am trying to love him with my whole heart and accept what he wants so that he can be happy. Sometimes I wonder if its at the sacrifice of my own happiness though.

    • ikthys says:

      I hope that your husband takes advantage of your acceptance as a catalyst for growth and discovery rather than a license for self-gratification alone. It is not wrong for either spouse to press each other for such maturity.

  2. Jared says:

    “Because I told my wife I wouldn’t.” What other motivation do you need than that, right ikthys?

    • ikthys says:

      Well, I have expressed some misgivings about having this getting too thin and external for sustainable, healthy (not to mention healing) sobriety. But the good husband and courageous man in me says yes. If we will lay our lives down for our wives, let us at least lay down our habits if she needs that (especially questionable ones like this):)

  3. shmemzy says:

    Do you have any insights for a wife whose husband also cross-dresses? I love my husband, but not in the way that he expects me to. He told me in February of his desires to be a woman. I feel confused. How does a couple work through this kind of a challenge?

    • ikthys says:

      My wife probably has better advice than I, but I will start with the disclaimer that the course of action certainly depends on a couple of factors including but not limited to length of marriage, the details of his desire and the reasons why he wants this, the extent of his willingness to talk to you about it (and your willingness to listen and respond clearly, too), etc. My wife and I could not have survived this if I hadn’t made a concerted effort to articulate myself, and if she hadn’t made a concerted effort to suffer and still lovingly share in return. I would offer, also, the idea that it certainly will take time… Praying for you and would love to hear back and continue sharing. Feel free to chime in here any time and anywhere with questions.

    • ikthys says:

      After a bit more thought, and some free time to respond, I wanted to encourage you in all of this to try your best to be supportive. It took me, a wonderful, loving, sensitive, spiritual man some time to realize how this all looked and felt for my wife and to understand why it was no good. If you are feeling afraid, it can really help him to hear your fears and thoughts and pain, even if he won’t accept them at first. I know that I was very defensive about the ignorant views of my wife regarding how I felt. It can also help him for you to let him fully share and vent his feelings without fear of abandonment. The kind of counselling you could seek (if you agreed to do so) would depend on your views on the issue and even your religion. Lots more could be said, but, again, all depends on the circumstance. I’d love to hear how you’re doing in all this. Your perspective on the issue is priceless!

      • shmemzy says:

        Thanks for your reply! Your blog has been helpful for me to know that we aren’t the only people with these kind of struggles! Luckily, I have a wonderful husband. Currently we are both going to counseling and we are hopeful that we can make our marriage work. We are also very religious, and I have to say that my faith in a loving God and a Savior who I know loves me AND my husband has been invaluable. But, I can’t deny that it hasn’t been a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have said hurtful things when I felt hurt and betrayed. I have been angry. I have been scared. I have felt a little like a victim at times. This is not something I ever wanted to deal with, but I am hopeful that as we work through it together, we will become closer as a couple, and even to God. As I try to be more compassionate and try to keep things in perspective, I can feel peace within myself, even if things aren’t exactly how I want them in our marriage. I guess, this also comes from me on a good night, when I am feeling a little less bitter and a little more thankful for the blessings that I have being married to a wonderful husband.

  4. ikthys says:

    This is so encouraging to hear! I will certainly testify to the possibility of God using this struggle to build a marriage stronger than before. It has caused my wife and I to become very intentional and profoundly thoughtful toward each other’s needs and about the nature of our intimacy on all levels. I pray the same for you two.

  5. Noel says:

    I’ve read though your stages and find a lot of common ground as to why you started and continued to CD. I’m encouraged by your strength to stop and how happy you are without it. The reasons you give for why you dont any are so simple, but until you hear or read it from other people you dont see it yourself (its a shame). The first reason, your wife and love for her, is the most important. I forgot that until recently (I CD being her back then lied about it, not the 1st time). My conclusion is after reading through these blogs, I AM going to get my life back, I will NOT left myself or my family down again. I’m down to see a counciler about it too.

    • ikthys says:

      Very encouraging to hear from you! You can do it. You can live without it. I believe you can even get to the point of not wanting it anymore, but we’ll wait and see 🙂 It does pretty much go away if you kill it, though. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future and learning from your journey and struggle.

  6. Pingback: 12 Steps to Stop Crossdressing « Healing from Crossdressing

  7. Pingback: Summary of why crossdressing is sinful/harmful « Healing from Crossdressing

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