I think so many people see crossdressing with stupefied wonder, asking themselves “why on earth would anyone do that?!”. I’ve already explained the powerful desire for sexual and emotional closeness with women, but I discovered over the years some significant “perks” that women enjoy, though many take them for granted or fail to recognize their value. The most important is simply the issue of beauty. The singular impression I have always discerned from the implicit norms and the language use of the world around me is that beauty is for women. Men are given the word handsome as a concession, but it always felt to me like nothing more than “good-looking… for a man”. True beauty that inspires and attracts and arouses and causes celebration has always been attached to and reserved for women (though I believe it has changed a lot in the last two decades- probably because of the homosexual agenda, but also because liberated women are more open about their sexual attraction to men. It has changed a lot, but still has a LONG way to go before it is anything like equal). I was and am deeply hurt by this. Without God and my wife reassuring me of the truth that I am beautiful, I would regularly feel the pressure, even though my “manly instincts” tell me I’m not supposed to care. Most women today are used to this feeling as well, since the standard for them is driven so insanely out of control (by men mostly), and most men have accepted their assignment (but only by getting their “beauty” through pornography and sex with a woman who is beautiful in their eyes). But I was particularly sensitive to this. I never accepted the cultural impression. When dressing up, I felt pretty. I felt what any woman feels when getting “done up” or “made over”. Believe it or not it really raised my self-esteem!
Beauty comes with a certain power. It is the power to turn heads, the power to affect other people, the power to draw other people towards us and in ways we want. I somewhat resented that power since I felt I could never have it and hated that it had such power over me. I could woo no girl, but wanted so many. Also, in my house, my mother was the authority, but was not empowered internally (by her character) or externally (by my dad) to do what needed to be done to assure I was loved well in my house growing up. So I think I did end up wanting the power of a woman’s beauty just so I could fix the problem and provide or attain to my own love. I felt this power when dressed up and it was a rush.
But feminine beauty is more than just looking pretty. It has so many subtle qualities to it that I envied. By popular definition and style it is delicate, soft, frail, vulnerable. These are all things I wanted to express, and think that men need to be able to express. They are not for women only. They are human. But we have called them good for girls, bad for boys. Not fair. I wanted the perk. I wanted to be dressed in such a way that people looked at me and wanted to help me, to serve me, to touch me (which was not without sexual motivation…). I realized that in actuality nobody would think this way if they saw me crossdressing, but the idea was still there, and I wished they would one day. But not only did women’s clothes have a rewarding appearance, they also felt good. Honestly this was not the primary motive for dressing up, but I really did love the smooth feeling of nylon on my legs, of a light silky dress on my body, and so on. Let’s be honest. Women’s clothes, on the whole, are made with FAR more attention to texture, color, shape, variation of style, and overall good feeling than men’s. Of course that means more pressure to dress well, more difficult decisions, more judgement by the world, etc., but I wanted the good part of what I didn’t have- wonderful clothes.
More specific than the general look are the character traits that are often understood as feminine, but are truly universal. I felt convinced that if I tried to pursue and develop gentleness, sensitivity, emotionalism, interest in relationships, and even the freedom to be as weak as I am at various times, that I would surely be seen as girly. I have, and wanted to express, those traits so badly that dressing up to look like a woman was the only way to feel free enough to do so. How hard a life to have to be tough, strong, and cold when your heart is so gentle by disposition, so full of compassion and pain as mine was and is. I felt I had no other choice than to seek the “perks” of looking like a woman regularly for my own health! Thankfully I now know without a doubt that I can have all of these things within my boundaries as a man. But still, living such a suppressed and repressed life actually creates its own set of issues that make things more complicated and must be addressed for full healing to take place(see Conditioning and Suppression).