Recently I was reading some spiritual insight and advice in which there was a sort of breakdown of the inception and progression of a sin from fleeting thought to full blown habitual action. It was helpful especially at considering more fierce action earlier in the process of attaching positive feelings or acceptance to a wrong thought. But it also left me considering an experience I have whereby there’s a far more sudden type of jump (or slip) into sexual sin. It’s a strange sort of thing to identify, but there’s something potent about the temptation that comes with a surge of erotic arousal all surrounding the “boundary” that should not be crossed. I’ve never considered myself a bad-boy type that is thrilled by a walk on the wild side. I spent a decade doing whatever pleased me in many ways, so that’s sorta played out even if it was ever there.
Yet, there’s an illusive type of lure that has to do with the deception of sin in general. The promise in our minds is that it will satisfy- that it will make us happy. Perhaps it will give us the release we want from our problems. Perhaps it will make us feel finally free, finally ourselves. Whatever it calls to, it holds out the hope somewhere in there that our wish will be granted. And then, once we cross the actual line to do the thing in question, we are left with the big let down of reality- turns out that the temporary thrill was just that, and nothing that drove us to it was really met. Often quite the opposite. How dumb could I have been to think otherwise? It really leaves a mess that can drive us to deeper insanity just out of the cognitive dissonance of it all. If we did it all for the thrill itself, then we got that thrill. But even then, it was so temporary, so fleeting, so not enough for what we had to cross to get it.
Drilling into it, I find a sort of vortex where the thing I’m chasing wouldn’t even really be pleasurable to me in its fully manifested form. Like if I were allowed to run with it for infinite time in any variation or direction, I’d eventually come to reject that line and look for another. Since today (at midnight) is Groundhog Day, it reminds me of the movie with Bill Murray where he learns that lesson after infinite days of no consequences allowing him to explore what he actually wants out of life. But the whole point for me now is that I don’t have the regular gradual arousal pattern for a straightforward desire in this. Rather, a blurry dream of a cloud hints at a mysterious fulfillment of everything inside without any clear description of the other side. The more mysterious and illusive, the more arousing, rather than the other way around.
Crossdressing fantasy continues to have this type of bizarre element about it. I almost liken it to the illogical desire of a married man for a heat-of-passion border crossing with another woman. It does’t make sense by any progression. In fact, part of what makes it so erotic is the thought of blazing across the line with reckless abandon- the pleasure is in ceasing to try to think about what is right and wrong and just letting the carnality of it all fly for even just a brief moment! Not because the marriage is bad, or the other woman is more beautiful, etc. But just the sheer thrill of doing it! Perhaps this is the same as premarital temptation vs marital freedom. I haven’t struggled with that, but I have definitely felt the sweat of anxiety just itching to cast off restraint and go dress up until I explode (knowing I would be throwing away so much good for nothing but a burst of pleasure).
That’s the nature of the thrill of “crossing” the line for such pleasure. On the one hand, it assumes one would find pleasure in such a weird habit. But on the other hand it is exactly why this particular action has any sort of “sense” to it. Indeed, maybe for guys like me who would never dream of crossing other lines, we find this one to be the one we allow. Maybe crossdressing is the sin for those who still want to feel that rush of crossing the line. The heat of passion. Yet, all alike who chase this dragon can find the consequences after the fact to be quite destructive- to the sense of self, to a marriage/family, etc. It’s playing with fire internally and setting a fire ablaze in action as well, perhaps hoping it doesn’t burn down the house along with everything else. Not only that, but with such a thoughtlessness of the ramifications by design, there is no way to analyze the type of action and focus on beating its components. Rather one has to commit to never surrendering to that sense of surrender. One has to learn to enjoy and embrace permanent stability within some trusted boundaries.